Category Archives: Christianity

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my first song: the video

Several months ago, I published this post, which was the lyrics to the first worship song I wrote, entitled, “I Come to You.”

I just got ahold of the video of the Rock Band playing my song for the first time last Christmas. The Rock band consisted of a special group of kids that are near and dear to my heart (Danny on acoustic guitar- who wrote the music for the song, Billy on bass guitar, David on drums, and Katie on background vocals). Since we performed this song, the kids have now gone off in separate directions to various colleges and the Rock building is no longer I place I’m constantly at. But, I’ve learned that people come and go and buildings can be locked up, but the truth in the words of this song will forever be in my heart. I hope you like.

The Rock band playing at Schlitterbahn 5-21-11

We can now call ourselves "songwriters"! Me and Danny

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the record

On a train traveling to Ludwigsburg, Germany sat a young man. Head in his hands, paying no mind to his fellow travelers, he did nothing to try and stop the large, crocodile tears that fell continuously out of his ocean blue eyes. For twelve hours, miles of landscape passed by the windows and the steam engine continued to hum. Alois squeezed his eyes shut and balled up his fists in desperation.

Though he was only 18, life had lost all of its purpose. There was no longer any rhyme and reason. He had successfully escaped from his communist-led homeland of Czechoslovakia.  But what waited on the other side; freedom and happiness? No. All he had known had been pain, hunger, and disappointment.

He was supposed to be alongside his three friends en route to Australia and a better life. But, his visa had been denied and he was sent back to the refugee camp in Ludwigsburg. He would depart the train there completely and utterly alone; no friends, no family. There was no one in Germany to share his pain and sorrow. His escape had been for nothing. He had left his family back in Czechoslovakia and they did not even know he was alive.

Alois contemplated jumping from the train and ending it all. He felt numb; lifeless. To God, he prayed, “If you are really up there, look at me, what is happening to me? My three friends go to their new lives, and I go back to nothing. I do not have one human being in Germany to go to and I am at the end of my strength.”

Alois is my grandfather and he has an incredible story; a story of disappointments and sorrow, but also a story of God’s passionate love. My grandfather (or as I affectionately call him, “Opa”) penned his story. As I read this section, I suddenly felt a bond form between him and I, which I never knew we shared.

You see, I too sat in a seat, while tears fell constantly down my cheeks, believing my life was over and nothing was left. I shoved my face into the crevice of the seat. For 14 hours on a flight to London I battled my own personal demons. From all looks of it, God had abandoned me.

Without any forewarning, my marriage had fallen apart. My greatest fears had become a reality. My dream job was ripped away. Everything was gone. My heart was broken into countless pieces and I was deeply scarred.

Sixty-one years after my grandfather contemplated the value of his life, I followed in his footsteps. But, thankfully, Opa kept his record.  Yes, it was began as a record of his lowest moment on the train to Ludwigsburg. But, it became a record, which later tells of him meeting my Grandmother in Ludwigsburg. A record of passionate love between a daredevil of a man and his sweet bride.

Without the rejected visa and train ride back to Ludwigsburg, my Opa would never have met my Oma. Without that day, my mom would not exist – and neither would I.

I called Opa the day I read of his suicidal thoughts on the train to Ludwigsburg. He said, “Jeni, you know that was probably the lowest moment of my life. But, as I look back on it now, it was the best moment of my life.”

God has a way of doing that, doesn’t he? We blame him for orchestrating the devastation of our own personal tragedies. And, maybe we are fair to do that. Because, more often then not, He is behind our worst moments. But, while we cannot see past the reality of that single moment of pain, the same box does not bind God. He sees  the glory that awaits. In His tender way, He smiles down on us and says, “I know child. I see. But, please, just wait. just wait…”

Opa and Oma showing me the route of the train to Ludwigsburg, Germany


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unanswered questions

Last year I really felt like in many ways, I lost my innocence. Like my nieve bubble abruptly popped. As if the whole of my life had just been an audition for the reality I was then facing.

The Christian life never guarantees success. The fact is, sometimes the marriage fails, the pregnancy test reads negative again, and the business bombs despite all efforts. Failure (just typing that word puts a bitter taste in my mouth) happens; and often times to those who don’t deserve it.

And then the questions become:

Was the sacrifice worth it? What of the four years I gave to that marriage? I gave so much, yet reaped so little. 

Sometimes, there are no answers, and no simple bible verses to explain why God actually allows the unexplainable.

Depressing? Yes. But, honest and real.

At 25 years old, I experienced divorce and watched my beloved, childhood church building foreclose, despite all efforts. Pain jumped out from the dictionary and became a living, breathing thing, whose grip clawed at me, threatening to chain me up forever.

Maybe your world is falling apart. Maybe there arn’t answers to your situation. But, I know one thing:

James 5:11 “You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.“

TRANSLATION: “God REALLY cares.”

Like little children in the backseat during a road trip, in the midst of suffering, we ask God, “Are we there yet?“; “Am I done with this suffering?”; and “Are we going the right way, God?“.

The truth is – He WILL get us where we need to go. As Galatians 5:9 promises, “in due time”, or God’s divinely appointed date, the suffering will be over.

Two weeks ago, Christian Newsome, the pastor of Journey Church International spoke of my testimony of divorce, recovery, and rediscovered love. It was amazing to realize that only a year ago, I didn’t believe I could ever smile again, much less fall in love again.

I wrote a prayer in the margins of my Bible asking God to give me open doors to share my testimony – that while life can fall apart, God can heal and restore. My story is a story of hope, and my hope is that God will allow many opportunities for me to share my story.

Listen to Pastor Christian’s sermon, “Patience While Suffering” here.

 

 

 

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washed by the water

Jeff and I were honored to photograph and video Journey Church International’s first baptism service this past Sunday.

 Galatians 3:27 “And all who have been united with Christ in baptism have put on Christ, like putting on new clothes.”

 

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the easy road

I was fifteen and I had a dream; to be a part of the famed Blue Valley North Lady Mustang’s basketball team. They had just taken home the state championship the previous year. They were revered. And they were cool. For weeks I practiced my free throws while my brother-in-law rebounded the ball, over and over and over again. Neither of us had access to a gym, so we braved the cold with our hoods up and layers on.

And then the long awaited day came. During lunch I followed the other brave teenage girls who had also tried out. We searched the list posted up on the wall. And there it was – JENILEE JOHNSTON. I swelled with pride. Though it was only the freshman team, I was a Lady Mustang! There were new, pearly white jerseys, basketball shoes that squeaked on the gym floor, taped ankles, and sweat. I couldn’t have been more excited.

I wish I could tell you I set a record for the school, or that season started a four-year high school basketball career for me. But, the truth? The truth is that over time, it just got…old. I got tired of spending the majority of the game on the bench. It wasn’t fun anymore to start practice when darkness still engulfed the morning. So I took the easy road.

I quit. 

It’s always easier to quit. Regardless if it’s basketball, a job, or even a marriage. The grass truly does appear greener on the other side and it’s easier to throw in the towel, than to fight. But, what man ever looks back with pride on the day he quit his marriage? What kid is glad she quit school?

Last year, I went through a rough divorce, and since that time I’ve had three women reach out to me – either because they discovered their husbands had been unfaithful or their husbands simply did not desire to be married anymore. I love that I can tell those women, “I’ve been there“, “No, you’re not crazy“, and “You’re going to make it“. But, why is the growing fad among married couples to simply give up? To quit? Is it just the easy way out?

Jude 1:3 says, “I felt compelled to write and urge you to contend for the faith“. Jude wrote to the Christians who felt like giving up on their faith. They were tired of trusting God when all hell was breaking loose. They didn’t feel like going to church when they could use the extra hours of sleep. Jude says, “contend!”. In the Greek it translates, “continue to attack“. I can see Alexander the Great, the man responsible for giving us the ‘common greek’ of the New Testament, shouting at his troops to “continue to attack!” on the battle fields.

Today, don’t take the easy road.

Continue to attack at work. Continue to attack by fighting for your marriage. Don’t give up.

I often wonder about the Lady Mustangs. What if I would have never quit? I don’t think I would’ve set any records. But, I sure would’ve been proud for sticking with it. For fighting through.

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solomon’s song

Maybe it’s in the spirit of love. Or maybe it’s because I never have actually read it. Regardless, in lieu of my pending nuptials, I decided to read Song of Solomon for my daily devotions this week.

This book is legit and it’s quite funny:

“I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots.”

“an apple tree among the trees of the forest”

“his fruit was sweet to my taste”

It’s hard to keep a straight face reading this book. I’ve even burst out with a few chuckles here and there. Especially when Solomon compliments his bride for her teeth each having their own “twin”. Apparently, dentists were not plentiful in Solomon’s time and it was quite rare to find a woman without a toothless grin. (Am I the only one that thinks that is funny?)

But what I love about Solomon is the way in which he creatively expresses affection for his beloved:

“Your eyes are like doves…your teeth are as white as sheep…your smile is flawless…your breasts are like two fawns…you are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.”

I imagine the young couple – after months of aching desire for one another – they are finally alone in the bridal chamber. And as Solomon slowly and gently un-dresses his young bride, he uses every picturesque word to describe her body; literally from head to toe. She naturally responds with blushing cheeks, but what woman’s heart wouldn’t melt after hearing the musical words he has used?

I hate it when couples talk about how they  used to write letters to one another. They used to hold hands. They used to bring flowers, and used to slow dance. Why is it that we work so hard to make our love feel adored and desired in the beginning only to get lazy and apathetic over time? Yes, loving another person eventually takes work, like all of the best things in life. But, it’s work that is well worth it.

When I pledge my life to my man in two days, I will be pledging to love him not only with a faithful, sincere love, but to love him creatively for my entire life. I will not stop after the ring is on his finger. It means I will spend a bit more time on his birthday. And to write him love notes for no particular reason. I will promise to never stop persuing him. It will take work…but he’s worth it.

On the morning of our wedding, I will be giving him a gift that I’ve spent hours making. Literally. (And let’s get real, I almost wanted to quit near the end, just from pure exhaustion!) Starting at 50 days til the wedding day, I wrote him a letter or prayer or a special note each day describing my love for him. So now I have a beautiful scrapbook filled with 50 letters. I just want the world to stop for a few moments – the wedding vendors, the family and friends, the stresses and anxieties to pause, so that he can have a reminder of why I love him the way I do.

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hate mail

I am about to share the best advice I’ve ever received.

It’s not complex.

In fact, it’s really quite simple.

But it’s profound.

Are you ready for it?

“Do things for people…expecting nothing in return.” 

It was my very first time to co-lead a week long summer camp for 200+ junior high students. I was fresh in youth ministry, but I was zealous. For weeks I labored planning games, activities, bus lists, room lists, PowerPoint presentations – you name it. And the week was nothing short of miraculous. Students committed their lives to Christ, new friendships were formed, and well – no one died. Altogether, a great success.

A week later I was in the church office picking up the mail.

And that’s when I read it-

My first “hate mail” from a parent. We ran out of pizza the first night of camp and her 6th grade son went hungry. He didn’t tell anyone. And she was not happy. He would never be returning to the youth group.

Another letter brought complaints about the sunburn her child came home with because his counselor forgot to apply sunscreen to him at regular intervals. How could we let this happen? They would be leaving the church.

Scratching my head, I turned the envelopes over to make sure they had been sent to the correct church.

“Surely we didn’t both just get back from the same camp?” 

“Do they have any idea how much time I put into preparation for camp?”

“Do they know how much sleep I forfeited taking care of their children last week?”

“I do so much for these students and the parents don’t even notice.”

I remember I used to do youth ministry (and life) with this mindset. Give and you will receive. Love and you’re sure to be loved back. But, that’s not reality is it? Reality doesn’t coddle you that way.

Growing up as a pastor’s daughter, one of the hardest things is watching people leave the church your dad pastors and go to a new one. Why? Because it feels like you’re being replaced. Because so may times it was your family who stood by their side in the hospital waiting room while praying for a miracle. It was your mom who walked with that woman through her divorce. Because it was Dad who prayed with their dying grandfather. Try as you may, it’s just hard not to take it personal.

I used to think that loving a person with a pure heart meant that he or she “owed” me something. But that’s not how Jesus loved.

For three and a half years, Jesus hung out with Judas ALL THE WHILE knowing Judas would betray and turn Him over to the authorities. Jesus washed Peter’s dirty feet (something only a slave would do) knowing that Peter would later pretend like he never even knew Jesus. That’s real.true.love. Love which doesn’t think of itself. And that’s freeing.

To love while expecting nothing in return doesn’t mean you will avoid being hurt. Your husband might still be untrue to you. You best friend might still vanish without a word. You might be lied to or replaced. But the difference is, you won’t be bitter. Because you didn’t love to be loved in return; you didn’t give to receive.

You loved because Jesus told you to. And you loved the way He loved. There’s no shame in that.

“He didn’t come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and give his life…” Mark 10:45

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my sword

“So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials.  And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and his angels.“

Ephesians 6:10-12

I attempted to clean out my car this morning, (scary) and I found something I will probably treasure forever. They may look like water-stained, aged, dirty bent-up note cards to you; but when I look at them I see something almost magical.

I see a double-edged sword. As the cover is slowly inched off, the radiance becomes unbearable and I find myself squinting and turning away in the gleam. Etched with perfect handwriting in the precious silver are words of power; words that can slam the very doors of hell. The sword is short, used not for haphazard swings, but for intense, one-on-one, personal combat. Though it can be hidden away in the thick folds of my clothes, its strength is not diminished by its small proportions.

Its blade is deathly sharp and accurate. Running a finger across it produces a thin fresh, wet line of red. With one quick, lightning-like flash, it can divide soul from spirit; joints from marrow. It is my only offensive weapon, and it is powerful.

On those beat-up cards, are words from Scripture. Words that became a lifeline. Words that gave me hope and strength. Words that pushed me forward. Words that lifted the burden. Words that I continuously preached to myself. Words that eased the pain. On the front I penned the verse – on the back what it meant to me. And in the midst of despair and fear, for a year, pulling them from my purse or the center console in my car, this is how I used my sword:

 Psalm 143:5 “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.” God created the world, parted the red sea, provided manna, shut lions’ mouths, turned rivers into blood and conquered death. If He did all this, He can get me through this time. He can heal me. He can restore and multiply what I’ve lost.

Psalm 126:5 “Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy.” A prayer for absolute restoration in my life. God can turn my tears to shouts of joy.

Psalm 139:16 “In your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” My situation doesn’t come as a shock or as a surprise to God. He knew these days and this pain was coming. He saw it long ago. He is in control even now. He sees my future.

Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” One day memories from this time won’t be accompanied by such gut-wrenching pain. The Lord will cause the wounds to scab over and heal. He is the greatest doctor and has the ability to fix me.  

Psalm 32:7 “You are a hiding place for me, you preserve me in trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.”  God is somewhere to escape to in the heat of suffering. I can find rest in Him. He will get me through this misery. There will be a time of deliverance.

Psalm 31:7 “I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul.” God sees my broken heart. God knows my sufferings and my feelings. If no one else sees or understands, He does.  

Psalm 125:2 “As mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people, from this time forth and forevermore.” God is surrounding me. He is protecting me in the midst of this raging storm. He won’t leave me. To get to me, Satan will have to pass through Him. 

Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” Even after all this, my life is not over. With or without ___, God has a purpose for me, and I will fulfill it. 

A year later – God has answered all of my prayers. There was never any reason to doubt Him.

Have you sharpened your sword lately?

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chapter one

“For us this is the end of all stories…But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world…had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever and in which every chapter is better than the one before.”

-CS Lewis

Today at work, like every day before it, I will slam my dated stamp into the crisp, clean, white paper. Then that wet, shiny black ink will twinkle in the glare from the light bulb. As the ink drys, its date will stare up at me – “AUG 11 2011”, and will continue to haunt my memory.

Today is an anniversary of sorts. But not an anniversary celebrated with party hats and popped bottles of champagne. A year ago today we arrived home from summer youth camp. A year ago today opened the door to three weeks of a living hell. This blog is not a “tell all” and I don’t write on it to rub faces in the dirt. Whatever short lived justification I would feel from “setting the record straight”, describing every graphic horror I encountered, and how wronged I was would not be worth it. Because, it’s under the blood now. Because, I can be “bigger” than all that.

But, I do write on this blog to let you know that I have been there. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. I know what it feels like to have your worst nightmare materialize before your very naked eyes. I know what it means to be depressed. I know all too well what losing “control” feels like. I remember what a struggle it was to even eat, each bite like a rock lodged in my esophagus. I know what it’s like to walk through the church hallways feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. (Is this what single mothers and alcoholics feel? Judged or ashamed? Now, I wish I could hold a large neon sign, saying, “You BELONG here. It doesn’t matter what you went through or are going through. WELCOME!”)

As I come up on the one-year anniversary of a month I’d really love to forget – I am processing. Because I’m normal. Because I’m not a robot. And because God fashioned me with a very sensitive, soft heart.

Sometimes I wish Will Smith would show up in his black suit and use the memory erasing device to take all the memories from last August. (I can’t be the only one that wishes that little gadget was real, right?) Because, right now those feelings are still so fresh. And maybe they’ll always be fresh – categorized away so as not to interfere with the blessings I possess now. But accessible – so that I can help those who are hurting so.

Today, I could harbor a frown and think, “look at all the horrible pain I went through.” But instead, today I host a HUGE smile – because look at all that God took me through! A year ago, I looked into the mirror in the guest room of my brother’s house on my 25th birthday. I was just a shell of the person I am today. I knew I was a mess. But, I remember staring back at my reflection, and with child-like faith said,
“God will you make me all better by my next birthday?”

I know I’ve said this before – but what I thought was the end of my story, was only the title and cover page. This year marks Chapter One. And one day, when I step into eternity – the greatest story will begin.

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my friend

Last night we had dinner with a great family friend, Hank Hanegraaff.

Throughout this past year, I’ve been inundated with encouraging phone calls, emails and Facebook messages.

One such call came from Hank. I left the dinner table and went outside to sit on the concrete curb. He told me that I would make it through the betrayal and the divorce. That eventually, though the pain would still be there, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. He encouraged me not to make any brash or impulsive decisions. And he prayed with me.

Now, nearly a year later, I was able to thank him for that phone call. And introduce to him to my new fiance. He told me how proud he was of me. He asked me what my dreams and aspirations were. And then he told me he believed in me.

I can’t tell you what that meant to me. I want to be that persons in others’ lives. I want to tell young women that they can make it after divorce and learn to trust again. Because if I can make it through what I went through, others can too.

I’m praying for big things right now. I’m praying for God to prepare me to be a wonderful, godly, encouraging, loving wife for my future husband. I’m praying for my mortgage company to accept the offer that has been made on my house. I’m praying for God to open a door for me to do ministry again in His timing and His way. And, I’m praying for God to send me some people who believe in me more than I believe in myself; people who will help me accomplish all that God has planned for me.

I’m blessed to consider Hank one of those people…and my friend.

“So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope…” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Who encourages you?