it starts today

Yesterday I lied to my husband. Maybe that’s normal for you, but we typically don’t make a practice of being dishonest in our marriage. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

The other day I was scrolling through Amazon, Christmas shopping for my little girls. Listed right under “previously viewed items” was a beautiful, expensive, white, shiny microphone. My heart skipped a beat and I swallowed hard. I could almost feel the smooth, cold metal in my hand. Before I could even take a second look, I closed the ap. Call it coincidence or perhaps my husband’s lack of creative hiding spots, but I have a terrible habit of accidentally discovering my husband’s gifts for me. He’d obviously been searching for a microphone for me. He’s been listening to me mull over an idea the past year – a podcast just for coach’s wives. Ever the thoughtful, encouraging husband he is, he was probably going to gift it for me for Christmas.

But, you know what I did?

I called him yesterday and nonchalantly said, “Oh hey, let’s maybe not buy each other anything for Christmas. I would kind of rather spend our money on the girls.”

The truth is, I don’t care about spending money on each other. I love receiving his gifts. The real reason I couldn’t possibly receive that microphone is that I am scared to death of it. What if not one coach’s wife agreed to be on my podcast? What if no one listened to the podcast? Or even worse…what if that gorgeous microphone simply sat in its box for years, a horrible $220 reminder of a dream unfulfilled; a dream I’ll get to this summer…or next fall…or when the girls start school.

If you’re knowledgeable about the enneagram, you may have guessed I’m a #3, “The Achiever” – valuing myself only for my list of successes or accomplishments, with a deep fear of failure and feeling worthless. I’m scared of my dreams, because I am scared of failing at them. But, even more than that, I’m scared of never even attempting to try to make my dreams a reality.

But, that stops today.

Over thanksgiving break my Dad pulled me aside and told me, “You have to write Jeni. You have a gift.” And my eye sockets turned into waterfalls.

“I want to Dad, but I just can’t find the time. I’m up at 5 to work out, I’m taking care of babies all day and after I put them to bed, I fall on the couch exhausted, with not one working brain cell left in my head.”

A slow smile broke onto his face and he said, “Just five minutes – five minutes every day. In fact you don’t have to write the book or the blog you want to. Just write ABOUT writing. You’ll figure it out.”

So today, I opened to a fresh page in my notebook and wrote down two thoughts. Maybe they’ll turn into blog posts or maybe not. But today, my dreams stop living in my head. Today, I’m telling you about them. Today, my husband is going to read about the microphone I found out he wants to get me.

Today, let’s take step one on the path to our dreams. Don’t let your dream live only in your mind until you’re “serious” or until the “time is right”. Tell someone today. Fear comes from the enemy. The Word tells us in 1 Timothy 1:7, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power”.

And, with the Lord’s help I will write that blog and that book, maybe with a baby bouncing on my knee closing my laptop every five seconds like this morning. I will figure out how to be a completely PRESENT mother while pursuing my dreams, even if its baby steps. I will write that blog. I will write that novel. I will start that podcast. I will gear my photography business towards stylized sports photos.

So there I said it. And now you all know. And you’ll know if I fail. But you’ll also know if I succeed…

Comment below and tell me what your dream is.

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4 thoughts on “it starts today

  1. Love this!! I feel exactly the same way. Dreams are scary. Making the move towards them is scary. Mine is to move to Nashville and do concert photography. The dream is to be a tour photographer. I’ll be cheering you in as you chase yours.

  2. Girl I needed to read that! I have the same dream of writing a blog and getting my story out! It’s a deep seeded calling that I have put on the back burner for the exact same reasons!! 😭😭 Thank you!!

  3. Jeni – this is eerily familiar to my current state and specifically in regards to writing. Thanks for trail blazing for all of us afraid of prioritizing our dreams. Xo.

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