just the beginning

Ah the Saved…what happens to them is best described as the opposite of a mirage. What seemed, when they entered it, to be the vale of misery turns out, when they look back, to have been a well; and where present experience saw only salt deserts memory truthfully records that the pools were full of water…

-CS Lewis, The Great Divorce

CS Lewis was a phenomenal writer. I find that he stretches my thinking and breaks through my stereotypes. This quote is from his work, The Great Divorce, which challenged my views about eternity; Heaven and Hell.  In any season of trial or pain, a fresh perspective eases the pain.

What you’re going through could seem like the end of the world…but as time goes on, when you look back it could be the beginning of a “New Day” for you. I am in the process of closing one chapter of “my story” and beginning a new one. There’s a lot of emotion that comes with that.

This week I’ve been moving back into my parents house to save some money until the wedding. (Funny thing- six months ago I absolutely dreaded living with my parents and now I can’t wait, haha. Free food, free cable, free rent…ah, that is the life my friends!) This is the fifth time I have “packed up” my things in 10 months. I find myself longing for normalcy, a feeling of permanence and home, and of belonging.

The worst part is, as I pack up and move I keep having flashbacks from when I packed everything up at my house in Lee’s Summit and moved in with my sister. I can remember so vividly, snatching random clothing items, so unsure of what I should leave or take. Completely overwhelmed, I fell into my bedroom chair crying. I remember Christian and Danielle holding me. I know as time goes on, that pain will distance itself from me and be harder and harder to recall, but it’s “fresh” now.  I was leaving a man who stared me in the face, eyes cold, saying, “I’m telling our counselor I want a divorce. I don’t want to be married to you anymore,” and yet I felt like I was the one abandoning him.

That day seemed like it was “The End” to my story, but now as I look back, it is only just the beginning. God has done so much in my life. I feel as though He has decided to make me “prove” everything I have taught and preached to the Rock youth students for the past five years. Will I really trust God in the midst of my storm? Can I make it outside of my comfort zone at work? Will I decide to stay pure sexually in my relationship? Will I forgive those that have hurt me? Now is my chance to practice what I preach. And isn’t it true, that it is so much easier said than done?

Today, I am blessed, because when I look back, the desert was, in actuality, filled with water. The ending really was…just the beginning.

(If you have been affected by divorce in any way, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I wish I had more people in my life that I feel as though I could relate with and ask questions of. I write this blog to share my emotions and feelings and to let you know you’re not alone. Sadly, when I looked for books on divorce recovery and re-establishing my trust in people – I found only books on whether it’s “biblically right” to divorce. It’s time for Christians to quit debating over theological issues and start loving people.)

2 thoughts on “just the beginning

  1. Beautifully written! I’m proud of you and your continued trust in God. I can SO relate to every word and every emotion you’ve encountered! “…to give them beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning!”

  2. I absolutely love your post. Not many people have the nerve to be so genuine. It really is true, that God works good things from the bad ones, and we usually have no clue what good could possibly be around the corner…until the corner is turned, and it’s such a “wow”. You are fortunate to be witnessing this firsthand in your life right now and recognizing it. Most people don’t see the good that comes from the bad.
    Jennifer

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