yesterday and today.

It was one of those summer nights in which time seemed to lag a bit. A night which called for driving with the windows down. As I enjoyed the abnormally desolate city streets while the warm breeze rustled my freshly cut hair, a peace settled over me. It wasn’t the beautiful sunset painted across the canvas of sky overhead. It wasn’t the sweet wind on my face. It could only be described as that peace which passes all understanding.

That night, I had been out to eat with a new friend. She asked me about my story and so, I told her about my divorce. It had been so long since I had recounted my path of pain. In truth, I forgot how much it hurt. Did this really happen to me or was it just a dream? 

It did happen. It was real. Each and every heartbreak that comes with divorce. And the greatest heartbreak was my shattered expectations. I did not come from a pattern of divorce in my family. All four of my grandparents are still happily married. My parents are still head over heels. When I got married as a virgin at 20,  I expected to be married for life. But, four years later my picture perfect fairytale was shattered.

Two years ago on this date, I believed my life was over – period. I had no hope. When my marriage fell apart, I was in the deepest darkness of depression.

People say that time heals all wounds, or maybe time just numbs them. As I drove home the other night, I remembered the pain. BUT, I realized how much God has restored me. If I could, I would shout from the rooftops how happy I am. I am now remarried to a man that continually amazes me. My heart has healed. My smile has returned.

I don’t know when your darkest day was. Maybe you too know the pain of divorce. Perhaps you are a victim of abuse. A child that never lived up to his parent’s expectations. To walk through life without being burned by someone else is an unreal expectation. This world is messy.

I used to wonder why God wouldn’t punish that person who had betrayed and hurt me so bad. Maybe you have too. God is the Great Judge and I cried for justice from Him. Why wouldn’t He do something about my injustice.

I recently read RC Sproul’s Holiness of God and my spiritual eyes where open. He wrote, “If ever a person had room to complain of injustice, it was Jesus. He was the only innocent man ever to be punished by God…If we have cause for moral outrage let it be directed at the Cross.” Because, it was on the cross, when Christ was laden with all the sin of the world (every sin committed in the past and every sin to ever be committed in the future) that He became “the most grotesque and vile thing on this planet. He became repugnant to the Father.” So much so that God had to look away from His only begotten Son and the whole world became dark. “God poured out His wrath on this obscene thing.”

And Jesus never cried about his injustice as He hung there. Because he hung there for you. He hung there for me.

If my precious, sinless Savior doesn’t demand justice from God, WHO AM I to do it? No, Jesus was the one who said, “Father forgive them because they do not know what they do.”

Wow. As I read those words and the implications settled into my heart, I felt so…convicted. So dirty. Yes, people have hurt me. Yes, people will hurt me. And sometimes it will appear that God just…lets it happen. But, I’m not God and I don’t know what He’s doing.

Exodus 33:19 says, “I will have mercy on those I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on those I will have compassion.” He’s God. I’m not. If you’re holding on to anger over the pain another has caused you, let it go. Because if God demanded justice of us – NONE of us could stand. None of us is perfect.

And if anything, I should thank those who have hurt me – because God used those people to help form me into the woman I am today.

Two years ago I believed my life was over – period. I had no hope. Today, I have so much joy my heart is overflowing.

If you’re in your deepest darkness, hold on, because the light is just around the corner.

2 thoughts on “yesterday and today.

  1. Jeni- You are such an encouragement to me and your words are always from the heart. A heart that is so sold out for the Lord at all times is Shines as bright as the sun! Continue to smile each day because Life is Good! Love you Friend!

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