Category Archives: Divorce

by - 0 comments

good friday

I LOVE this weekend of the year. Eggs filled with candy, spring time (unless you live in Kansas – still looks like winter), almost everyone goes to church, people dress their best and might actually sport a smile at church, Easter brunch, great music…ah, I just love it.

But today, before I celebrate His resurrection on Sunday, I want to pause and remember the price He paid on the cross for me over 2,000 years ago. Reading the Crucifixion story, there’s always one verse that rocks me like a punch to the stomach.

Matthew 27:45-46 46From noon to three, the whole earth was dark. Around mid-afternoon Jesus groaned out of the depths, crying loudly, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

Yes, He endured the betrayal and desertion from His closest friends. Yes, he endured the public humiliation and mocking. He even suffered through the brutal flogging and carried His own wooden cross for some time. His wrist and feet were pierced with nails. He was battling suffocation with every second that crawled by, lunging skyward, reaching for each breath while tearing the nails further through His feet.

But, I know the physical pain wasn’t the worst thing He had to go through. It was this stretch of hours – from noon to three, when the whole earth went dark. Jesus Christ, the perfect, sinless lamb of God, had taken upon Himself ALL the sin of the world. Every past sin I’ve ever committed and every sin I will ever commit. What an enormous weight. Scholars believe that the earth went dark because God, in all His holiness, could not look upon His son, who was carrying the sin of the world. So God turned His back. The emotional pain Christ endured was far greater than anything the Romans could do to His body. Because, at that moment, He was utterly…alone. His family had forsaken Him. His friends had left Him. And now God turned His back. Can you imagine the depth of His sorrow?

This has obviously been a lonely time in my life as I’ve not only lost a friend who was my husband, but also his family which I was very close with. One day they were a part of my life – a mother-in-law, a sister-in-law, a grandma; and then they were gone. Yet, it is so encouraging to know that I have a Savior who understands and who endured far greater loneliness than I have or will ever face. Hebrews 4:15 describes it best, “We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin.”

It’s difficult to wrap my mind around all He did for me that day, but…What a Savior.

I invited one of my co-workers along with his wife to church this Sunday, and he said yes! I am like little-girl excited. They do not go to church, so this is a big deal! Maybe God put me in this position for this reason…

I’ll be singing on Sunday with my girl, Leslie! Dress Rehearsal is tonight. Can you tell how excited I am? I LOVE Easter. Now, if only Dad would decide to buy me a new Easter outfit…

by - 0 comments

what they think

Last week, I stepped out on faith and applied for a really cool opportunity for my future. It’s completely in God’s hands and now I just wait. When I sent in my application I also sent with it some recommendation letters from a few of the kids I have worked with in the Rock Youth Ministry for the past 5 years. I simply asked them to write how God used me, if at all, to contribute to their spiritual growth. In the midst of a letter from one them, I read this:

 “This past year Jenilee went through a divorce with my former Youth Pastor, and at the time I was close to both of them. I expected Jenilee to be broken, lost, and to not know how to pick up the pieces of her life. Instead Jenilee has been an influence to everyone around her. Jenilee has given God so much glory for allowing her to go through such a tribulation, and being more in love with God then she ever was before, through both celebrations an tribulations.”

Wow. I won’t lie- at the end of his letter, I was in tears. I hadn’t asked him to comment about my divorce, but he did, and his comment was a huge encouragement to me. Because, if I was honest, this whole time in the secrecy and quietness of my at-times very scary mind, I wondered what the students thought of me. Did the failure of my marriage hurt them? We led the youth ministry for years. I know they looked up to us and as students so often do, put us on a pedestal. Did it make them doubt God? Did they still believe in the sacredness and commitment of marriage? Did they lose respect for me? At times, it’s felt like the big elephant in the room. I’m sure they see me alone and wonder exactly what happened. I’m sure they’ve heard plenty of rumors. I know they know how hurt I’ve been and how betrayed I’ve felt.

I remember going back to the youth ministry on September 22, 2010 to lead worship for the first time since the breakup of my marriage. It was an incredible feeling. For the first time, I was onstage worshipping, and the glass house had been broken. I was simply an imperfect human, just like every one else, worshipping a perfect God. I sang the words, “It’s just You and me here now,” and it’s never felt more real.

I don’t know how everyone views me now, but I know at least to that one kid, I’ve been able to be an example – to trust God and have faith that He can make something beautiful out of all the debris.

One last thing – after reading their letters, I realized that the most spiritual students from the Rock had faced some of the greatest harships – one boy’s dad died a year ago in a motorcycle accident, one girl’s family lost everything when the economy tanked, etc. There’s just something about God testing those who are strong. It’s like He’s never content with where we’re at because He always sees a far greater potential and He will use WHATEVER it takes to get us to that greater place.

by - 2 Comments

hello, my name is…

Just got to love it when you wake up to this…

Nope – the cute neighbor boys weren’t playing baseball in my backyard. 100% hail damage right there! So, alas, the drama of fixing up the house and getting it back on the market continues. (Oh, did I mention that this happened to several of the windows? Yay!)

Yesterday, the message at church really challenged me. The subject was Rahab (not to be confused with rehab people), a woman who just happened to be a prostitute. So yeah, men paid her for sex. What a way to make a living. However, somewhere along the way Rahab turned it all around. She decides to be on God’s Team and leave her old ways and a life of prostitution far behind her.

But, the crazy thing is – every other time Rehab is referred to – I mean every time, she is called, “Rahab, the prostitute.” Talk about embarrassing. Like, thousands of years later even, in Hebrews, the Bible alludes to her as “the prostitute“. It’s literally like every time God introduces her, He has to mention what she used to be. Do I think God was trying to stick the knife in and twist it? Not at all.

The point is simple, but profound. God isn’t ashamed of your past -whatever it entails.

I love this. It’s like He wants us to wear our past as a badge of honor. Because it’s what we USED to be. And it is what has made us WHO we are. And it’s WHY we will help others in the same boat.Why do I love this? Because I’ve been thinking lately, “Okay, once I hit the 6 month mark, I won’t be considered the divorced girl anymore. I won’t be the one with the very public failed marraige. I won’t be the one who let down so many kids.” But, you know what? Six months came and went…and it still hurts sometimes. And I still feel like I have a big “DIVORCED” stamp pasted on my forehead. Because, for me, I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to get married and grow old with that same person, just like my parents and my grandparents. That didn’t happen. But…I’m believing that it will happen eventually 🙂 I’m all about second chances.

So, I’m going to choose not to be ashamed of who I am. I’m divorced. I’m dealing with a lot of anger and hurt. I’m sick of people who lie to me. But, I’m me, and I’m real.

by - 5 Comments

the opportune time

 The other night I read this verse during my devotions and it seemed to leap out from the page at me:

“I will come upon him while he is weary and weak, and make him afraid. And all the people who are with him will flee, and I will strike…”(2 Sam 17:17)

That was Ahithophel’s (seriously, where do they get these names?) strategy for destroying David, and in my opinion, it was a really good one. I truly believe this is how the Enemy works in my life. He isn’t like us. He is not impulsive or overeager. Instead, he waits…and waits…and waits… for the most opportune time and then straight up pounces. I am a fighter. I won’t give up. But, if I’m tired, and emotionally exhausted and afraid of the future, then all trust in God seems to dramatically dissipate.

Life just isn’t always easy. There will be moments of discouragement. And discouragement seems to always be the Enemy’s most useful tool in my life.

I am so thankful for this man’s influence in my life. And I happen to be lucky enough to call him “Dad”. He has taught me so many challenging lessons and still continues to. However, one of the greatest things he ever advised me was, “Jen, don’t ever make a decision when you are discouraged.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my Dad say this. And, his words are so valuable, because my feelings, like everyone else’s, are fickle and ever-changing.

I lived with my parents for six months this year. At first, I was seriously humiliated. I mean, here I was, 25 years-old, holding no-degree, about to be unemployed, listening to my Dad snore through the ceiling and answering phone calls at 9:30 pm to “check-in”. (This would continue each hour until I came home. I actually told my Dad that I was contemplating calling AT&T to block his number from my phone!) The whole situation was such a difference from the past 6 years. Some imagine divorce to be simple; a quick signature on a clean sheet of paper. It’s far more complex and life-altering. As much as I “hated” living with Jerry and Christie then, I know I will greatly cherish that time I had with my parents, and I’m not talking about all the free dinners (although, that was seriously, wonderful). There were moments, late into the night, when I came home after working all day, and helping out at Hope Care or whatever I was involved in. Like David, I was weary, weak and afraid. I would cry and say, “Dad, is this it? Has God forgotten me? (Wow, I am being really real here.) Will I ever be married again? Will I ever even trust someone enough for that again? Is my life just completely purposeless now? Dad, I miss ministry, and helping people. What now?”

And in those moments, my parents would remind me of the truth of God’s Word. That “no good thing will He withold from those who walk uprightly.” That my future was bright. That, I was just tired and needed to go to sleep. And that I needed to eat something and put some meat on my bones, because guys like girls with a little “extra”!

So, basically, all I’m trying to say is this:
At those moments of weakness, weariness and fear, we must simply stick it out and trust in the One who is all-powerful, never slumbers, and fears nothing.

Oh, and on a side note, Ahithophel hanged himself and David survived. Ha.

by - 1 Comment

if only for one


I am addicted to following coverage of the devastation in Japan. Maybe it’s simply the overwhelming magnitude of annihilation. It’s difficult not to be curious and saying it’s surreal is an understatement. Today, I was reading updates-

-Death toll now surpassed 3,000
-Aftershocks still plaguing the country
-Japan has shifted 2.4 meters due to the earthquake
-People facing their 5th night without water or electricity
-Snow expected to fall throughout Japan
-People hungry, freezing and missing their family members
-Threat of radiation poison

Talk about depressing. My heart goes out to the millions of people affected by this tragedy. It seems as if it literally could not get any worse. But, then, as if someone turned on a light in a pitch black room, I stumbled upon this…

“In a rare bit of good news, rescuers found two survivors Tuesday in the rubble left by the tsunami that hit…”
After four long days of being buried alive, two people are saved, pulled from the midst of debris. Crazy! Ninety-six hours of impending death. Truly, a miracle. And enough to give those rescue workers the most powerful tool they can possess – hope. Suddenly hours of exhausting, hard work, dealing with the cold, the wet, the depression, the hunger, the emotion…was all worth it. Because, if only for one saved life, the work was worth it.

That’s pretty powerful stuff. It amazing what the power of one person can accomplish. I take two things from this:

1) If everything I’ve gone through this year – the pain, hurt, rejection, humiliation, fear, anxiety, vulnerability, lack of trust, lostness, discouragment, stress, loneliness… is for the purpose of helping just ONE person who will go through a similar situation – it is worth it. Because hope is a powerful drug. (Lest you think that is easy for me to say, I type it biting my lip and with hesitancy) I have a cousin, who also went through a failed marraige. She reached out to me and she will never know how she comforted me. If even to remind me, “No Jen, you’re not crazy. I felt that too.”

2 Cor 1:3-4 “God comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.”
2) You matter. Insert ridiculously cheesy quote- “in the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.” So cheesy, but hey, it’s true.

by - 2 Comments

reckless praise

I’m not much of a blogger. So, this should be interesting.

My recent reading has all the makings of a juicy, dramatic, titillating story-the half-naked king dancing around in front of the civilians; the bitter wife scolding him with her hands on her hips; the sparkling, golden Ark of the Covenant said to house the very presence of God Himself. I love this story.

So here we are: King David and 30,000 of his men are finally bringing the Ark of the Covenent HOME to Jerusalem. This thing would blow Macy’s Thanksgiving parade out of the water! I’m picturing balloons, loud music, dancing, singing and what not. The whole city is partying!

“Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the LORD with all his might…As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart.”How wonderfully the king has distinguished himself today—exposing himself to the eyes of the servants’ maids like some burlesque street dancer!” David replied to Michal, “In God‘s presence I’ll dance all I want…Oh yes, I’ll dance to God‘s glory—more recklessly even than this. And as far as I’m concerned…I’ll gladly look like a fool…”

I always get such amusement picturing David dancing in his underwear as if nobody is watching. I imagine David was giddy with excitement because the very presence of God was going to be in Jerusalem again. Finally.

There just is nothing comparable to the presence of God in my life. No relationship, nothing materialistic, literally nothing is comparable to feeling Jesus. I love Psalm 84:10, “Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”

I can relate to this. I’ve had a nice house. I’ve had a husband. I’ve had exciting plans for my future. I’ve had everything I’ve ever needed – at least I thought I did. But, nothing can compare to the sweet, sweet friendship of the Savior. Because when I’ve experienced unhindered fellowship with Him, I haven’t needed for anything.

It hasn’t been an easy road, but HE‘S been there. And I won’t look back.