I must have drove him crazy with all of my videotaping…but now we have this awesome birthday video…
Author Archives: Jenilee
twenty-six reasons
In honor of the 26th birthday of the man I love, I give you the “26 reasons” why I love him.
26. Because he drives slower than my grandpa. Despite my constant complaining…it’s really kinda cute.
25. Because there truly is no sexier man drenched in sweat while clad in a flat-billed hat, cleats, and a mouthful of sunflower seeds. Though it’s always an automatic out, he consistently hits home runs in our Sunday night co-ed league. And there I sit, pretending not to be the swooning girl that I really am.
24. Because in those co-ed games, no matter how many times I drop the ball when he throws it to me, he always blames it on his throw.
23. Because he possess the most beautiful, pearly white, day-changing smile.
22. Because I have never, EVER opened my car door.
21. Because he too appreciates Diet Coke.
20. Because my man is fiercely loyal. Case in point: no matter how royally bad the Royals suck, they will remain his favorite team.
19. Because I trust him.
18. Because I go weak in the knees every time he tells me I’m beautiful.
17. Because he let me choose what color to paint his our walls. And, he didn’t bat an eye when I chose lime green.
16. Because of the countless awkward conversations he endured at church when we started dating. Especially the, “if you hurt our Jenilee, I’ll kill you,” one from a lady half his size.
15. Because he hates roller coasters.
14. Because we pray together…a lot. And I love listening to him pray; there’s so much sincerity in his voice.
13. Because when we pray together we always hold hands.
12. Because we have uniquely experienced not one, but TWO first kisses.
11. Because the one time I tried to push him away he showed up on my doorstep 10 minutes later.
10. Because he has bewitched every female in my family. Lily asks for him now. Kasey sits next to him instead of me at dinner, and has already asked to spend the night at his house. Mom finally found someone patient enough to teach her all the ways of technology. Audrey asked him for cooking lessons. And for every step of her first five kilometer race he ran right next to my sister encouraging her along.
9. Because he took my broken heart and with expert care and attention, stitched it back together again.
8. Did I mention he is SO handsome?!
7. Because he drove through multiple states in hurricane weather to see me for a few hours in college.
6. Because he was the one who inspired me to purchase an iPhone…and my life will never be the same.
5. Because he can actually get my dad to talk about things other than church.
4. Because he’s never too busy to have lunch with me.
3. Because he’s all “tatted-up” but he’s still a softie to me
2. Because he is so talented behind a camera and I believe in all that he has already and will continue to accomplish. Because he always is the first to read what I write and he believes in me.
1. Because he is all mine. And…I’m his.
my sword
“So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and his angels.“
Ephesians 6:10-12
I attempted to clean out my car this morning, (scary) and I found something I will probably treasure forever. They may look like water-stained, aged, dirty bent-up note cards to you; but when I look at them I see something almost magical.
I see a double-edged sword. As the cover is slowly inched off, the radiance becomes unbearable and I find myself squinting and turning away in the gleam. Etched with perfect handwriting in the precious silver are words of power; words that can slam the very doors of hell. The sword is short, used not for haphazard swings, but for intense, one-on-one, personal combat. Though it can be hidden away in the thick folds of my clothes, its strength is not diminished by its small proportions.
Its blade is deathly sharp and accurate. Running a finger across it produces a thin fresh, wet line of red. With one quick, lightning-like flash, it can divide soul from spirit; joints from marrow. It is my only offensive weapon, and it is powerful.
On those beat-up cards, are words from Scripture. Words that became a lifeline. Words that gave me hope and strength. Words that pushed me forward. Words that lifted the burden. Words that I continuously preached to myself. Words that eased the pain. On the front I penned the verse – on the back what it meant to me. And in the midst of despair and fear, for a year, pulling them from my purse or the center console in my car, this is how I used my sword:
Psalm 143:5 “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.” God created the world, parted the red sea, provided manna, shut lions’ mouths, turned rivers into blood and conquered death. If He did all this, He can get me through this time. He can heal me. He can restore and multiply what I’ve lost.
Psalm 126:5 “Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy.” A prayer for absolute restoration in my life. God can turn my tears to shouts of joy.
Psalm 139:16 “In your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” My situation doesn’t come as a shock or as a surprise to God. He knew these days and this pain was coming. He saw it long ago. He is in control even now. He sees my future.
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” One day memories from this time won’t be accompanied by such gut-wrenching pain. The Lord will cause the wounds to scab over and heal. He is the greatest doctor and has the ability to fix me.
Psalm 32:7 “You are a hiding place for me, you preserve me in trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.” God is somewhere to escape to in the heat of suffering. I can find rest in Him. He will get me through this misery. There will be a time of deliverance.
Psalm 31:7 “I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul.” God sees my broken heart. God knows my sufferings and my feelings. If no one else sees or understands, He does.
Psalm 125:2 “As mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds His people, from this time forth and forevermore.” God is surrounding me. He is protecting me in the midst of this raging storm. He won’t leave me. To get to me, Satan will have to pass through Him.
Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me.” Even after all this, my life is not over. With or without ___, God has a purpose for me, and I will fulfill it.
A year later – God has answered all of my prayers. There was never any reason to doubt Him.
Have you sharpened your sword lately?
chapter one
“For us this is the end of all stories…But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world…had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever and in which every chapter is better than the one before.”
Today at work, like every day before it, I will slam my dated stamp into the crisp, clean, white paper. Then that wet, shiny black ink will twinkle in the glare from the light bulb. As the ink drys, its date will stare up at me – “AUG 11 2011”, and will continue to haunt my memory.
Today is an anniversary of sorts. But not an anniversary celebrated with party hats and popped bottles of champagne. A year ago today we arrived home from summer youth camp. A year ago today opened the door to three weeks of a living hell. This blog is not a “tell all” and I don’t write on it to rub faces in the dirt. Whatever short lived justification I would feel from “setting the record straight”, describing every graphic horror I encountered, and how wronged I was would not be worth it. Because, it’s under the blood now. Because, I can be “bigger” than all that.
But, I do write on this blog to let you know that I have been there. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. I know what it feels like to have your worst nightmare materialize before your very naked eyes. I know what it means to be depressed. I know all too well what losing “control” feels like. I remember what a struggle it was to even eat, each bite like a rock lodged in my esophagus. I know what it’s like to walk through the church hallways feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. (Is this what single mothers and alcoholics feel? Judged or ashamed? Now, I wish I could hold a large neon sign, saying, “You BELONG here. It doesn’t matter what you went through or are going through. WELCOME!”)
As I come up on the one-year anniversary of a month I’d really love to forget – I am processing. Because I’m normal. Because I’m not a robot. And because God fashioned me with a very sensitive, soft heart.
Sometimes I wish Will Smith would show up in his black suit and use the memory erasing device to take all the memories from last August. (I can’t be the only one that wishes that little gadget was real, right?) Because, right now those feelings are still so fresh. And maybe they’ll always be fresh – categorized away so as not to interfere with the blessings I possess now. But accessible – so that I can help those who are hurting so.
Today, I could harbor a frown and think, “look at all the horrible pain I went through.” But instead, today I host a HUGE smile – because look at all that God took me through! A year ago, I looked into the mirror in the guest room of my brother’s house on my 25th birthday. I was just a shell of the person I am today. I knew I was a mess. But, I remember staring back at my reflection, and with child-like faith said,
“God will you make me all better by my next birthday?”
I know I’ve said this before – but what I thought was the end of my story, was only the title and cover page. This year marks Chapter One. And one day, when I step into eternity – the greatest story will begin.
the green monster
So my fiance has been a bachelor for some time now, which means most of his stuff is, well…very…boy. It’s been quite fun registering here, here, and here for new things. (Yes, I just shamelessly promoted my wedding registries…whoops…But, seriously, feel free to buy us a gift!) So, we decided his bedroom needed to be “CHICK-ed up”. Off we went to the Great Orange store (aka the Depot for Homes) to pick out some paint. Some would choose pink to add some womanly flare. Maybe even a little purple or magenta. But, just what did Jenilee choose?
GREEN!
I don’t even particularly like green all that much, but I just thought it would be fun! Reminds me of life and new growth. (Yes, everything in my life has meaning behind it!) We painted a light gray and the accent wall is now this lovely grassy color.
Just wait til you see what color we chose for the dining room…
hope
I have this vision of my wedding day.
Rose petals part the white, wooden chairs which have made fresh craters in the warm sand. My ivory veil blows softly in the ocean breeze. French manicured toes contrast sharply against tanned feet as I take each step towards my awaiting future. Friends and family squint in the glare from the sun while hosting soft smiles and several tear streaked cheeks.
I gently put my hand on Dad’s arm to slow his pace as we walk. Raising my head, I catch the gaze from the tie-dyed green and yellow eyes of my handsome groom. Far more beautiful than the aqua, ocean foam horizon, is his gorgeous smile and the story his eyes tell without ever uttering a word, much less a syllable. Fingers interlock tightly, while our smiles threaten to explode. With choked back emotion, we will promise each other faithfulness and unconditional love.
After this day, life will continue to throw its curve balls…but for this moment we will experience an unfamiliar feeling. Time will stand still as God bestows absolute perfect peace. And joy.
*****************************************************************************
I remember, last January, flying home while staring out the little, foggy window to the twinkling colored lights below. I had just finished reading this book. As the plane descended an interesting thing happened. Just as those multicolored miniature lights grew larger and larger, in the deepest part of my heart something began to grow. It started out small, but soon its light threatened to take over my whole being. Hope. If I could go back to Creation Day, as the Potter set out to mold His human clay, I would ask God for a double dosage of this powerful drug. Because it’s true – hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.
Yes, my first round of “til death due us part” had eroded. Yes, I felt like I was living in a pitch-black dark room. But there, in that dark room, God held out His hand of hope and promised to give me every “desire of my heart”. After tragedy, I believe the most pivotal point, is teaching your heart to hope once again.
“Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heaven…” James 1:17
my friend
Last night we had dinner with a great family friend, Hank Hanegraaff.
Throughout this past year, I’ve been inundated with encouraging phone calls, emails and Facebook messages.
One such call came from Hank. I left the dinner table and went outside to sit on the concrete curb. He told me that I would make it through the betrayal and the divorce. That eventually, though the pain would still be there, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. He encouraged me not to make any brash or impulsive decisions. And he prayed with me.
Now, nearly a year later, I was able to thank him for that phone call. And introduce to him to my new fiance. He told me how proud he was of me. He asked me what my dreams and aspirations were. And then he told me he believed in me.
I can’t tell you what that meant to me. I want to be that persons in others’ lives. I want to tell young women that they can make it after divorce and learn to trust again. Because if I can make it through what I went through, others can too.
I’m praying for big things right now. I’m praying for God to prepare me to be a wonderful, godly, encouraging, loving wife for my future husband. I’m praying for my mortgage company to accept the offer that has been made on my house. I’m praying for God to open a door for me to do ministry again in His timing and His way. And, I’m praying for God to send me some people who believe in me more than I believe in myself; people who will help me accomplish all that God has planned for me.
I’m blessed to consider Hank one of those people…and my friend.
“So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope…” 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Who encourages you?
one final shot
If you have been reading my posts, you should know by now that I am engaged to this handsome photographer:
He asked me to help him shoot a wedding this past weekend. Despite the 100PLUSdegree weather, standing in my uncomfortable shoes for hours, and carrying a ridiculously heavy lens (who knew photographers had to have “guns”?!), I had such an incredible time with him.
(Here I am taking a much needed water break, haha)
Isn’t it intriguing to watch someone thoroughly in their element? Jeff is that way while shooting pictures; just completely in the zone. It’s as if everyone and everything fades away while he just creates. As my eyes followed him, I could almost visualize the invisible wheels perpetually turning in his head.
The evening wound down as bubbles faded into oblivion, jackets were discarded and ties had been loosened. With smiles and sighs of relief, the newlyweds finally released their pent-up stress and anxiety after months of planning. Pictures were done…and yet Jeff saw something. Shinning light burst through trees illuminating the horizon as the sun set and Jeff envisioned what could be.
Quickly, we pulled the couple away from their party inside to grab one final picture. They probably would have never noticed the magnificent light on their own. They were done holding smiles taut and posing. However, a few seconds and one final shot produced a memory that will live on. And in my opinion…it’s breathtaking.
I see God’s fingerprints everywhere in my life. This moment pointed me to Him yet again. God envisions what could be in our lives. He sees the brilliance and sparkling light. He glimpses the awaiting masterpiece. If it were up to us, we would never leave the current party we’re attending. Because were tired of the planning and stressing. We just want to let our hair down.
But do you see Him rushing in? Did you notice Him grab our hands and pull us alongside Him? He has something for us.
We just have to hold on tight and trust Him.
“Ask me and I will tell you about remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.” Jeremiah 33:3
no pain, no gain
“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be more fruitful.” John 15:1, 2
I’m so bad at yard work. I can’t keep the lines straight when I mow the lawn. I forget to water my plants and they tend to die sometime in July. I feel so lost and out of place at the Grass Pad. Gardening is a lot like math to me. Different rules for different plants. And how can you possibly remember them all?!
The worst part is that I want to be good at yard work! Seriously, there’s nothing better grabbing my ipod, soaking up my favorite vitamin and just doing work. (Like, manual labor work.)
A couple years ago I fell in love with something. The double knockout rose bush. It’s hot pink, big and beautiful. I lined the entire side of my house with them. (It still sucks driving by my old house – I feel like I left my friends there. Like I saw them grow up and now someone else is taking care of them. How is that fair? But, I digress…) I was in love with my little bushes and I wanted to take the best possible care of them that I could. I started to research and discovered that I was missing a pretty important step in the spring…pruning.
We’re talking taking a BLADE to my precious bush and CUTTING parts of it off! Sounds crazy, huh? But, I swear it’s legit. All the real gardeners do it. So, I squeezed my eyes shut, grit my teeth and starting chopping. And, to my utter surprise – come mid-summer my bushes were bigger and prettier than they were before! (Who would have thought?)
How fitting that this is the metaphor God gives us for how He helps us grow. He is the Great Gardener. I can see him putting the gloves over His massive, strong, calloused hands and setting out to work. The Word says that He removes the branches that aren’t producing anything and with ALL the others, He prunes them. That means if you’re life is actually being effective in the Kingdom, He will cut you down. And maybe cut you down so far that there is barely anything left there.
But He is the Great Gardener and He knows all the rules. He knows it will hurt. He knows you will bleed. He knows you will scream and blame Him. But, He just smiles knowing that in the end you will be better because of it. In fact, the finished result just might be breathtaking.
Last year, He pruned me. He cut me down so much that I felt there was nothing left. He took it all. Everything I loved. He didn’t even allow me time to say goodbye to my life – the house, the ministry, the kids, the marriage. It was over in an instant. And the worst part…it HURT. Sometimes I won’t even let my mind go back there. Because when I do, I feel deep, gut-wrenching, heart stopping, dark pain.
I have watched Him prune others as well. Friends who cannot get pregnant despite pleading with God. Students who have attended their own parent’s funerals. Friends who battle demons from their past, and cannot break their addictions. Family who are checked in and out of the hospital. Others call it bad luck. But we know…it’s the Great Gardener doing his work.
Because He always prunes-
before the harvest.
before we were…engaged.
My fiance wrote this poem in college. It’s about the first time we held hands as teenagers. Eat your hearts out ladies.
Pinky Scout
A theater packed like a brand new crayon box,
Opportunity so perfect,
As if my pulse was volcanic, my body heat rises,
Envisions of a future together.
Movie reels expose each frame,
My heart pounding inside my cage.
The Pinky Scout starts his adventure,
Sliding his way towards your grasp.
Sweat fills my palm.
Beads drip down my forehead,
My Pinky Scout has touched down,
Grazing your soft skin.
Like an avalanche, your grip surrounds my hand.
Floating through the air,
Your smile illuminates me with each look I take.
More than anyone can realize,
Better than any love story,
More perfect than any equation,
The uniting of our fingers,
Interlocking so tight.
I love you.
Us then (as in 2004, crazy 18 year-olds)
Us now (as in SEVEN years later)
One day I will post our (very crazy) love story. I promise that it has all the standard ingredients of an (animated) Disney movie, plus a few unique spices too: love, stolen kisses, heartbreak, tears, things we should have said (I may have wrote the Taylor Swift “Speak Now” CD with my life) reconciliation, forgiveness, friendship, laughter, encouragement, more tears, butterflies, a sparkly rock on on my finger…and Jesus Christ (the greatest romance author of them all – take a seat Shakespeare).
For now…how did you fall in love?
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